My men, last year
Well, three out of the four steps had been taken as of a few months ago, leaving only the whole work thing on the To-Do list. Kota was about six months old when I started to seriously think about my financial contribution to the family/house buying/Cisneros-legitsky cause, and to tell you the truth, I was quite thrilled to begin my very own pencil-skirt-and-heels job search! There were so many options! Did I want to get started in PR? What about banking? Or possibly marketing?!
Little did I know, though, that my fun little search was the beginning of a torturous labyrinth of second-guessing myself and mind-changing. It all became a torrent of
Should I go to work full time, or shouldn't I? If I don't, is that the right thing to do for the kids, or isn't it? Zillions of moms work a whopping 5 days per week, so am I just being a big weirdo for feeling any trepidation about it? Let's say I do go to work, what shall I do in regards to employment? WHAT SHALL I DO?!
I mean, it went on and on . . . for months. For a few days I would be stoked about entering the workforce, ready and willing to drop the babies off at a daycare, completely fine with the whole thing. After about 72 hours of psyching myself up though, I couldn't keep ignoring the fact that I felt like my mind was shouting words into my consciousness like, "JUST DO IT! YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE! THE KIDS WILL BE FINE! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND JUST GO!" just so that way I wouldn't be able to hear the, "okay, woah, are you really going to be okay dropping the babies off for so many hours per day?", more true-to-myself thoughts.
Once I would finally recognize the more tame sentiments, I would think things like, "alright, clearly you are just one of those women who has no grit." It was awful, torturous even! I felt like I had a responsibility to help provide for my family (and the awesome vacations I envisioned for us), but couldn't put my thoughts into actions! I was a talker, not a doer. Chad one time told me that he liked how I was a dreamer - EXACTLY what I didn't want to be! What the heck? Dreamers are folks who look into the distance and say things like, "hmm, I wonder what it had been like if the South had won the Civil War. . . . Hmmm, that would be interesting, wouldn't it? . . ."
NO! When I was a young whippersnapper, I had always envisioned myself as some corporate badass. Now that vision sounds horrendous, as priorities have shifted drastically - EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT ME BEING A BADASS!
Then one day, tired of my wishy-washy ways, I sat down to really figure out what was going on with our lives. I compared and contrasted various day care costs, my possible yearly earnings, how early in the morning I would have to leave to drop the kids off, on which days Chad could pick them up/which day he could take off so that way the kids wouldn't be with a babysitter 100% of the time, along with the emotional stress (yes, I calculated this - I have no idea how, but it was like an actual calculation). When Chad got home from work that night, I showed him what was up and asked him what he thought. After taking a look at the cold hard facts, we decided to forget about me working for The Man. It just wasn't worth it, especially the emotional stress.
From that point on, I stopped freaking out about my status as an unemployed human being, mainly because I felt bad complaining about it. I mean, it wasn't as if I was doing the most important thing on earth or anything: raising our family! I just needed to get a grip and relax - allow my I-need-a-project-at-all-times self chill out. You know, take some time to smell the roses. So that's what I did and out of nowhere, a few opportunities popped up in none other realm than what I love to do: WRITING!
I couldn't believe it! I'm now working with a company called The Parent Tree and another one called Healthy Living Healthy Life. It has been glorious and I can't wait to see what other doors these relationships will open for me.
BUT the BIG KAHUNA of working motherhood has just been put into motion, making my awesome writing gigs more of a "for the love of" type thing! More information on this will come next time in update week! Woohooo!